Rainbow Kids

Rainbow Kids

So if you haven't already figured it out - I am a gay man. Gay, gay gay and pretty much write about mostly gay related things/ramblings

It's taken me a while and a whole lotta anguish and confusion to finally be able to say that I am 100% so happy and proud to be gay. I'm 27, turning 28 next week (gay middle aged crisis approaching) and could not be prouder to be an out gay man. Loud and proud honey!

I'm pretty passionate about helping young LGBT teens and kids and think more needs to be done in order to help them realise that they are pretty damn fabulous just the way they are. Parents, schools, mentors, politicians, friends, family all can do more to help these beautiful young people bloom and become comfortable in their own skins

God knows, I know what it was like to be a young gay kid who doesn't understand what the hell is going on in his head, let alone in his heart (or his pants). Its tough thinking you're 'wierd', or 'wrong', and having society reinforce that false message on a daily basis doesn't help your sense of own personal development and confidence.

So I am particularly pleased and motivated when I discover families and special people who are actively trying to make their children's lives even more fabulous and accept them whole heartedly for who they are, regardless of whether or not they're growing up to be a little Mary or butch assed lesbo. They love them for who they are!

I'm following an amazing blog at the moment, out of the big ol US of A of a Mom's chronicles of raising her two boys, one of which is shaping up to be a pretty effeminate young guy who possibly (and probably) is gay.

Now before you jump the gun and start clicking close, since I'm advocating something American, this blog is pretty awesome. CJ and his family's adventures are written by his ( I think pretty fabulous Mom) who shares personal and thought provoking information about the challenges of trying to raise kids, let alone one who may be gay and loves all things pretty, pink and princessy!

I've been there, I was the young fem kid who would prefer to play in his own world of princesses, fairy tales and rainbows. And I know its super important to be in an environment in the real world that is loving, supportive and totally accepting. So well done CJ's Mom and Dad (and Uncle Uncle, and big brother)

The blog is called Raising My Rainbow, and it is beautifully written, both from the heart and from the real perspective of being a Mom.

The link is below - Read it, share it and love it. I do!

Its pretty damn fabulous!!

http://raisingmyrainbow.com/

Futile Prayers

When Prayers are Futile

I close my eyes and I can see myself many years ago, back in a scared vulnerable place. I was 16 years old, it was late at night, and I was alone in bed, my mind disturbed and my heart racing. I lay there in the dark and started to pray, hoping it would be the solution to help me feel better about the turmoil I felt inside. 

I lay there and prayed, prayed to God for one thing, and one thing only. Please God, make me normal - make me like the rest of the boys. Make me like girls, make me what I should be, and let me get a girlfriend. Please let me be normal, make me straight - I do not want to be gay.

Being gay was a sin, being gay was wrong, and I was not supposed to be having these feelings about boys. I was not supposed to be looking at boys at school and secretly feeling lust. I did not want to be a sinner, and disappoint my friends, family and especially my Creator.

I was scared and I thought God could help me. I prayed, and prayed and prayed, until I fell asleep from pure exhaustion. I woke the next day and knew that deep down in my soul, nothing had changed... that my prayers went unanswered.

I grew up in a pretty religious family. We went to church every Sunday, we went to Bible Study classes twice a week, and we always attended all church and religious functions. My Mom was incredibly proud of her children who had found God, and especially of her two boys who were the perfect choir boys. Except that I was praying to God every night and day to make me something I was not.

My prayer to be straight and for God to change me become an obsession. I would find myself praying the same thing over and over at all times of the day.

Fast forward a year and I was still praying the same prayer, with even more fervour, determined that God would one day hear my prayer, and that I would wake up different.

But my prayer continued to go unanswered and the pressure and turmoil of what I was feeling inside continued to grow. I continued to feel alone, abnormal and sinful.

I began to become convinced that what I was, was wrong. These gay feelings I had inside were wrong, and that I was disappointing God, and that was why he continued to ignore my prayers.

I began to think about suicide. Seriously began to think that my life was better off dead, and that ending it all would somehow be seen as the right thing in the eyes of the almighty Father. I felt more and more alone in my own world. My parents had issues of their own, my brother was living in another country, and my sister was on her own mission. My friends did not have a clue and there didn't seem anyone else that I felt could help, or would help.

I started to think about how I could end my life quickly and the least painfully. My mind started to become preoccupied with overdosing on medication/pills. I had easy access to them, I had the time and privacy and least of all, started to lose any hope that things would change.

Ultimately my life was dramatically changed and completely turned around the day I came home to find my Mom lying unconscious on the floor, where she had beaten me to the tablets. My thoughts of suicide dissipated immediately in the very scary aftermath of saving a loved ones live and having to deal with the turmoil and stress that follows an event like that.

I pushed my own issues deep down and repressed any hardship or struggles I was feeling about being gay in order to help my family that needed me now, to deal with another crisis.

In retrospect, I thank God that he did not answer my prayer, and that things turned out how they did. My Mom recovered, my family healed, and I got to the point where I awoke one morning to the beautiful realisation that what I was, was perfectly OK. I was gay, and I accepted that I was perfect in my own right.

My prayers changed dramatically and I prayed to God a prayer of thanksgiving every night since, thanking him for ignoring a silly, futile, and incorrect prayer. I thank him for the fact that I did not try follow through with the crazy thoughts I was having about ending it all. I thank him for the fact that I accepted myself for being perfect just the way I was. And I realise that God made me exactly the way he meant to.

Gay, special, and loved.

To anyone reading this, who may be praying the same futile prayer of God changing them from being gay - God will not answer that prayer, just as he did not answer my prayer. Because there is nothing to change and you are EXACTLY the way He meant you to be.

Life won't get easy immediately - and you will probably still have difficulty in your life. But I promise this. As soon as you learn to love the person you see in the mirror when you look at your reflection, that's when your prayers will change, and you will realise that God loves you exactly for who you are.

My prayer tonight is this - Live your life, find your happiness and may God bless you abundantly.



Homorazzi!

Hey Kids

So a total shameless plug of an article I had published this past weekend on a great Canadian gay news blog - homorazzi.

All about gay identity and our own self loathing. Are you a 'straight acting gay' or a 'femme fatal fag?'

Or like me, can you flip that switch on!

Have a read - I'd love your feedback/comments either here or on Homorazzi

http://www.homorazzi.com/article/gay-acting-straight-acting-too-flamboyant-gay-stereotypes-sexuality-judgement/

Remembering the Fallen

A beautiful and poignant video to remember the lives lost

Please share the message that life is worth living for LGBT youth.

Help save the unknown!

You are Titanium!

Titanium

Dear Young Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender person

I'm writing this letter to you, to let you know the most important thing in this whole world, right now the only thing that you need to know and understand. Regardless of anything negative, scary, or horrible that may be going on in your life right now, there is only one message I want you to know and accept, down to the deepest recesses of your soul:

Life is worth living and that you deserve to LIVE!

You may have some pretty horrible things going on right now in your life. You may be being bullied for who and what you are. People may be calling you names, threatening you, beating you up or worse. But listen to me now, and accept my one simple truth

You are perfect exactly as you are and do not have to change for anyone. 

Bullying and hatred go hand in hand, and unfortunately are all too common these days in our modern lives. People will not understand who you are, or why you are the way you are. But that's ok. They don't have to. The only person who matters is YOU.

You are the most important person in your life, and you deserve to love yourself for who you are implicitly.

I am a young, happy gay man who has been through what you are going through. I have been bullied, threatened, spat at, ridiculed and treated like a piece of dirt because of my sexuality. Despite this, I got through it and continue to get through it. I live on, because I love myself and know that deep down in my soul, I am perfect.

Life may be very hard right now. You may think you do not have any other options besides suicide. You may feel alone, ignored and misunderstood.
Know that you are NOT ALONE. Somewhere out there someone who has written this has gone through exactly what you are going through and has SURVIVED.

You CAN and WILL SURVIVE.

I have a song that I dedicate to you now - it has helped me through some very dark feelings. It inspires me, and makes me want to continue living and loving.

These are the lyrics:

"Titanium"(feat. Sia)

[Sia:]
You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Cut me down
But it's you who have further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard, those bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

YOU ARE TITANIUM AND WILL NOT FALL - DO NOT LET YOURSELF FALL!

Life is worth living.
Live your life!

Much Love

Craig

Bad News...

Bad News...

Well kids, the past few weeks have been pretty eventful, particularly with the effect of bad news being attracted to me like a whore to a £20 note. Its had its ups and downs, and hey I'm still here.


I've decided some pretty big things, and decided to make some changes to the 'comfortable' life I lead. How this pans out, is going to be one helluva interesting ride - watch this space.

But I can't help but feel that I have been plagued by bad news/luck of late, and keep asking myself 'its supposed to come in 3's right - then why the hell am I on number 5 already?'

Some of the bad news has been minor, some of it a little more serious, but I'm trying to stay positive here. From having my phone stolen this week, by a somewhat crack dealerish looking individual, to my mortgage being declined by banks that are trying to save their own arses, I've tried to look at all this with one attitude in mind...

Roll with the fucking punches!
Life may be throwing a few punches right now... but damn I'm a tough queen and I'll roll with the fucking punches

That said... any good luck charms, wishes, potions, etc wouldn't hurt...
Just saying!




Role Models

Role Models... Queer leaders!

Having a role model, or someone you can look up to is probably one of the most important aspects to growing up and understanding a bigger sense of this big ol world. It helps to give you a sense of knowing that you can become something, and that your life can truly be amazing.

Growing up as a queer, gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual kid is tough. Its tough to understand what the hell is going on in your own head, let alone in your own body, and its a whole lot tougher when you think you are the only one feeling the way you do. Feeling awkward, scared, like a disappointment, 'wrong' and praying to God every night and day to make you 'normal' makes it freaking tough people.

And having a role model(s) to look up to can so easily help ease that burden.

I grew up as a confused gay boy in a traditional South African family, where religion played a heavy formative role on my life and my parent's conservative attitudes shaped me into the person that I am today. I clearly remember growing up feeling 'different' and knowing that I was not how I was supposed to be, according to my society, in terms of what we considered 'normal'. I would of course come to realise later in life, that what was considered 'normal' was pretty much a very isolated and small world, and that I was indeed actually pretty fucking normal and that I was exactly who I was meant to be.

I did however, grow up without any real gay role models. I did not have anyone specific enough for me to look up to, and understand that it was ok to be a gay man, and that life went on, and it was fabulous. I did in some ways have a family member who was also gay and I would later on in my teens realise would play a role in being a role model, but that experience was also fraught with issues.

As I have grown into an adult gay man, who pretty much leads a pretty fabulous life, filled with much love, happiness, and laughter, I now realise that it is so fundamentally important that young LGBT youth get a message of hope and happiness! It is something that has been consuming my mind, heart and soul and my need to be a role model grows every day.

A while back in the US, a number of young gay teens killed themselves. Bullying, harassment, homophobia and hatred led them to taking their own lives. It was and is a sad indictment on modern society and culture to know that these beautiful young gay men thought it better to put a gun to their heads, a rope around their necks, or a mouthful of pills to end it all.

The It Gets Better campaign www.itgetsbetter.org was created by Dan Savage and Terry Miller following these sad events to help create role models and a message of hope to any confused, scared LGBT youth out there, to know that it would indeed get better. I am intensely passionate and proud of this campaign and will be blogging on it more in the weeks to come.

Other stories and messages out there also inspire me and there are some very special individuals out there whose messages and stories serve as inspiration for all, and who deserve to be called role models.

One such message and individual is from a US politician named Joel Burns.

Please watch the below video which explains his message and story.

I would like to be a voice like this.

I would like to be a role model.

I will save a life! Will you also make a difference?

I want the tragic loss of Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Justin Aaberg, Seth Walsh and so many others to never happen again. Life is beautiful and worth living. And we need to make that message LOUD and CLEAR.