Lost

LOST

Let me begin by saying that as dramatic as the title of this post & picture looks and sounds - I am ok.

There's a really wonderful quote from my infatuation, aka Mr. Tom Ford that goes something like this - 'A few times in my life I’ve had moments of clarity, where the silence drowns out the noise, and I can feel rather than think.” It is in these moments that you know exactly what you want and where you are meant to be going in life. You feel what is right, and ignore the distracting thoughts that can cloud your journey. I have experienced moments like this in my past, and right now I am in desperate need of another.

Life is difficult, distracting, and unpredictable. One day everything makes sense, and the next it seems to be in turmoil - or is this only in my mad little world? Please say it isnt so. And yes, I am an absolute little drama queen and I fully aknowledge this, but sometimes its just a little too confusing even in my own head.

The bigger problem stems down to a lack of passion. A lack of something in my life that makes me go 'fuck yeah' and leaves me feeling fulfilled, content and of worth. For many years in the past, I have ignored the little voice in my head telling me what I should be doing. The little voice of your soul that gently guides you in your decision making and ultimately tries to deliver you to your happiness. Rationale has overtaken the heart. The mind has conquered the soul, and I have learnt much from these mistakes. I claim them and embrace them.

I have a broad sense of a goal now. I know what I would like to do this year, what will begin to make me feel happier and give me a greater sense of self identity. I am trully grateful for this as in years gone by that has been my biggest challenge.

Now it seems, it is the journey of how I get there that will prove to be the challenge.

I think Mr Ford got it right when he spoke of the noise of life. The hum drum of every day living which is incredibly distracting and ultimately distracting from your overall happiness. You know what I mean - the every day shit that over takes you and overwhelms you lest you be fully aware of it and keep it at bay.

Every day living is unavoidable. The bills have got to be paid, people have got to be seen, and you have got to get on with it.

The question is how do we work towards our happiness whilst completing the 'every day stuff'. How do we keep the fire of passion burning whilst making sure not to lose yourself in your own being.

Overthinking, and under feeling. This has been my biggest mistake of late.

Taking a leap of faith, is I feel soon needed.

Thank you for reading my ramblings - this is healing for the soul.

I wish you much happiness and healing too in your journey!

Leave your comments/thoughts :)



Campy Little Queen...

Campy Little Queen...

Picture it, if you will, 1964, Sicily... No, that's an opening line from another drama, I couldn't never dare attempt to copy. But let's try this again.

A few days back whilst on my lunch, in a lovely cafe, serving super lovely food, by super lovely looking waiters - one to be exact, upon which my eye was focused, I had an interesting thought.

Now let's not immediately let our minds wander directly to the gutter, but rather a rather fascinating place of self discovery - (I did say we would try stay out of the gutter).
After allowing myself a moment of visual dessert and letting my eye appreciate his wonder, I happened on noticing his body language.

One hand on hip, hip slightly cocked, the other hand - wrist flailing, posturing for the 'perfect' camp position, when I thought - Wow, he's a camp little queen. And then it dawned on me. Not in a rapturous, angels singing kinda way, but rather a 'hang on you little hyprocrite' let's be careful with what label's we're throwing about, we never know what may stick' kinda way. It lead me to think - Is this young man merely perpetuating a stereotype, or is it an identity he's been forced to adopt, by societal expectations in order to fit in.

Stereotypes - Self defined, or societally inflicted?

A stereotype, as defined by the Oracle, which is Wikipedia (yeah - we believe everything right?) is:

A popular belief about a group of individuals - Stereotypes are standardised and simplified conceptions of groups based on some prior assumptions.

So, if a stereotype is based on thoughts derived from previous assumptions, who is making these previous assumptions, and how is it being manifested or internalised?

We could all probably list a few stereotype examples right off the bat, if asked. Like, oh all white guys can't dance, and all black men are hung like donkeys - (leave the gutter people, leave the gutter)And for those of you, not in the know - A few popular gay stereotypes are exist, things like 'All gays love Kylie (well they should...), gay men are all effeminate, gay men are all promiscuous, gay men are all into beauty products (really, they should be) etc etc. The lists goes on, and in the end, it looks like all gay men listen to Kylie, whilst applying their product, before their 3rd date for the night, matching their glitter with their pearls.

Blah - Wrong.

But, it lead me to start thinking, and as the example of the lovely waiter suggested, that perhaps gay men have some how internalised these stereotypes, and perhaps unknowingly (or knowingly) have purposely started perpetuating them for a greater ease in their lives. Was this young man a campy little queen, or was he merely acting like one because it felt comfortable, and easy in a 'camp surrounding?'

The wheels in my brain just kept on a ticking.... tick tick tick tick tick - pay bill, leave, be late back to work.

Are stereotypes real? - This depends on how we are interpreting 'real' - real as in do they exist? Yes, they do. Are they correct - not necessarily.

As a young gay man, as much as I may not like to admit this - I do fall into some pretty broad gay stereotypical terms

I am: 'into beauty products - gotta pay the bills honey'

A Kylie. Madonna. And Gaga fan - Jesus, the mind fight is still on going, onto who is queen

A lil bit sassy/bitchy when I gotta be - Yes I fully acknowledge this one, dear friends that are reading/laughing/smirking.

Effeminate - when I switch it on, and turn the 'camp dial' from 'Off  - OMG, can you say QUEEEEN'

But as much as I admit to these, the vast majority of strangers fail to recognise my homosexuality immediately (stop laughing friends) - which then leads to start thinking, so I'm 'straight acting'- But why am I 'straight acting' - is it because I don't want to be judged and its easier to 'blend in'?

I do feel like I have a tendency to ask alot of questions? LOL

So as a gay collective, have we internalised stereotypical thinking because it's been put out there by 'straight society' which controls the media etc, or are these stereotypes around because they're true, and we've made them a part of who we are - perhaps a self defence mechanism?

Its a very difficult question to answer - and I'm not sure if I am at a definitive place on this one yet?

Speaking to friends/colleagues/family, the general consensus seems to be that we hate stereotypes, but that they are very easily being perpetuated and continued. This is for a variety of factors - acceptance, acting, misunderstanding, poor choices etc. But on the whole, there seems to be a negative connotation with stereotypical living - but perhaps that in its own right is a stereotypical thought process by a group of people struggling with self identity?

Was it fair to label this young man a campy little queen? Probably not.

Do I still think he is a queen - absolutely.

Is this wrong? - Most definitely.

Does it change my thought process? - No.

Can I answer this broader thought process? Not right now.

What are your thoughts?

What I am however, trying to do is to limit the way I accept stereotypes and to look further and perhaps deeper at an individual to understand who they really are.

Sure as hell, does make people watching fascinating.

Leave me thoughts/comments/etc on this matter.

I'd love to know what you think?

New Stereotype: Craig is pretty damn fabulous, but asks to many questions and has too few answers :)