Love, Don't Hate

Love, Don't Hate

Hatred is a horrible, nasty little thing that festers deep within the soul.

It manifests itself in ugly, dangerous ways, but often hidden behind walls of fake smiles, handshakes and innuendos.

Sometimes its overt, loud, falsely proud and in your face

Case in point - the Rick Perry video doing the rounds online.

For those of you not in the know:
A Texan lawmaker who is running for the American presidency in 2012.
Easy win for him, to spout his hate online, very clearly outlining his disdain of homosexuality hidden behind the veil of advocating religious freedoms.

This is not a message of religious expression.
This is not a message of freedom of speech.

This is Hate.
Pure, dirty, misguided and unnecessary HATE.

Rick Perry - your words influence lives.
They influence young people who are confused, struggling with identity and potentially holding the gun up against their own heads.
Your words spread hate.

Love, Don't Hate!
At the very least, if you can't do that.
Be Quiet.

See below a brilliant video response from a young proud gay American who makes me proud to be a fellow homosexual.

Family

Well howdy doodle kids!

I've been away, on a somewhat super fabulous vacation to the US, where I partied the hours away with my gorgeous husband, and a fabulous group of friends, surrounded by a sea of super hot muscley gays, as the picture above shows. (and yes I was the paparazzi perve taking the photo)

Partying on the beach, in glorious weather, sun shining down, great music playing, and an open bar certainly stacked up for a recipe of glorious fun, fun fun! The event was called 'Muscle Beach' and it certainly was exactly that... I was surrounded by the most muscley gay men I have ever seen in one spot, making it the gayest and possibly hottest event ever...

Think loads of good looking, muscled, bronzed gays partying it up to 'sickening' good grooves, all the while having the gorgeous ocean behind you. It was.... HAWWT!!
Super Hawt!

Whilst I was watching the sea of muscle, groove and grind to the music, and besides perving my little gay eye balls out, I started thinking about how hedonistic gay boys are (myself included - I won't dare to try not wear that badge), how we love a good party, half naked flesh and free booze - did someone say awesomeness?
Well yes, it was awesome - but was there something we were missing...

Gay's are renowned for having good parties and 'banding' together to get their groove on. We can shake it like our momma's made it, and gurl - we do... but I kept thinking -

If only we could come together like we do at parties, on the big issues? Gay Marriage, gay rights, adoption, legislation and equality. And... yes, before you jump on the, 'let's pound Craig' with examples bandwagon, of how there are groups of gays that do band together, I'm looking at this for a much bigger picture.

Gays - let's be honest with ourselves. We could and definitely need to be able to come together and focus on changing our worlds for the better - together.

And let's bloody hell make it a good party kids - We can do anything!!!

After all - WE ARE FAMILY.... ALL MY SISTERS AND ME.... WE ARE FAMILY....

What are your thoughts?

Courage

Courage...

Hello fabulous people

Please watch the below video, made by a very courageous young man. He shares very personal and intimate feelings of what's going on in his life.

Like so many young people out there, he struggles with bullying, acceptance and living in a world where calling someone a fag is run of the mill...

I've been this young man. Maybe you are this young man right now.

This video moved me to tears... but it also made me smile and realise how very courageous this young man is.

I offer a challenge to all those young people out there feeling like Jonah does - be courageous and live!



MiGAYmi & Ft LauderGAYle

Howdy Kids

I need to apologise, I have been an absolute slacker of a blogger the past few weeks.
Important life changes (and no I am not pregnant) have been occuring, and I've just not had any time to write!

I am off to the States for 2 weeks, where I hope to add 2 posts about whatever the hell strikes my fancy whilst I am sunning myself in Florida.

Stay tuned kids - Big gay ol things a coming!
I'm going to the White Party - all gay, all fun, all half naked adonis's

Rainbow Kids

Rainbow Kids

So if you haven't already figured it out - I am a gay man. Gay, gay gay and pretty much write about mostly gay related things/ramblings

It's taken me a while and a whole lotta anguish and confusion to finally be able to say that I am 100% so happy and proud to be gay. I'm 27, turning 28 next week (gay middle aged crisis approaching) and could not be prouder to be an out gay man. Loud and proud honey!

I'm pretty passionate about helping young LGBT teens and kids and think more needs to be done in order to help them realise that they are pretty damn fabulous just the way they are. Parents, schools, mentors, politicians, friends, family all can do more to help these beautiful young people bloom and become comfortable in their own skins

God knows, I know what it was like to be a young gay kid who doesn't understand what the hell is going on in his head, let alone in his heart (or his pants). Its tough thinking you're 'wierd', or 'wrong', and having society reinforce that false message on a daily basis doesn't help your sense of own personal development and confidence.

So I am particularly pleased and motivated when I discover families and special people who are actively trying to make their children's lives even more fabulous and accept them whole heartedly for who they are, regardless of whether or not they're growing up to be a little Mary or butch assed lesbo. They love them for who they are!

I'm following an amazing blog at the moment, out of the big ol US of A of a Mom's chronicles of raising her two boys, one of which is shaping up to be a pretty effeminate young guy who possibly (and probably) is gay.

Now before you jump the gun and start clicking close, since I'm advocating something American, this blog is pretty awesome. CJ and his family's adventures are written by his ( I think pretty fabulous Mom) who shares personal and thought provoking information about the challenges of trying to raise kids, let alone one who may be gay and loves all things pretty, pink and princessy!

I've been there, I was the young fem kid who would prefer to play in his own world of princesses, fairy tales and rainbows. And I know its super important to be in an environment in the real world that is loving, supportive and totally accepting. So well done CJ's Mom and Dad (and Uncle Uncle, and big brother)

The blog is called Raising My Rainbow, and it is beautifully written, both from the heart and from the real perspective of being a Mom.

The link is below - Read it, share it and love it. I do!

Its pretty damn fabulous!!

http://raisingmyrainbow.com/

Futile Prayers

When Prayers are Futile

I close my eyes and I can see myself many years ago, back in a scared vulnerable place. I was 16 years old, it was late at night, and I was alone in bed, my mind disturbed and my heart racing. I lay there in the dark and started to pray, hoping it would be the solution to help me feel better about the turmoil I felt inside. 

I lay there and prayed, prayed to God for one thing, and one thing only. Please God, make me normal - make me like the rest of the boys. Make me like girls, make me what I should be, and let me get a girlfriend. Please let me be normal, make me straight - I do not want to be gay.

Being gay was a sin, being gay was wrong, and I was not supposed to be having these feelings about boys. I was not supposed to be looking at boys at school and secretly feeling lust. I did not want to be a sinner, and disappoint my friends, family and especially my Creator.

I was scared and I thought God could help me. I prayed, and prayed and prayed, until I fell asleep from pure exhaustion. I woke the next day and knew that deep down in my soul, nothing had changed... that my prayers went unanswered.

I grew up in a pretty religious family. We went to church every Sunday, we went to Bible Study classes twice a week, and we always attended all church and religious functions. My Mom was incredibly proud of her children who had found God, and especially of her two boys who were the perfect choir boys. Except that I was praying to God every night and day to make me something I was not.

My prayer to be straight and for God to change me become an obsession. I would find myself praying the same thing over and over at all times of the day.

Fast forward a year and I was still praying the same prayer, with even more fervour, determined that God would one day hear my prayer, and that I would wake up different.

But my prayer continued to go unanswered and the pressure and turmoil of what I was feeling inside continued to grow. I continued to feel alone, abnormal and sinful.

I began to become convinced that what I was, was wrong. These gay feelings I had inside were wrong, and that I was disappointing God, and that was why he continued to ignore my prayers.

I began to think about suicide. Seriously began to think that my life was better off dead, and that ending it all would somehow be seen as the right thing in the eyes of the almighty Father. I felt more and more alone in my own world. My parents had issues of their own, my brother was living in another country, and my sister was on her own mission. My friends did not have a clue and there didn't seem anyone else that I felt could help, or would help.

I started to think about how I could end my life quickly and the least painfully. My mind started to become preoccupied with overdosing on medication/pills. I had easy access to them, I had the time and privacy and least of all, started to lose any hope that things would change.

Ultimately my life was dramatically changed and completely turned around the day I came home to find my Mom lying unconscious on the floor, where she had beaten me to the tablets. My thoughts of suicide dissipated immediately in the very scary aftermath of saving a loved ones live and having to deal with the turmoil and stress that follows an event like that.

I pushed my own issues deep down and repressed any hardship or struggles I was feeling about being gay in order to help my family that needed me now, to deal with another crisis.

In retrospect, I thank God that he did not answer my prayer, and that things turned out how they did. My Mom recovered, my family healed, and I got to the point where I awoke one morning to the beautiful realisation that what I was, was perfectly OK. I was gay, and I accepted that I was perfect in my own right.

My prayers changed dramatically and I prayed to God a prayer of thanksgiving every night since, thanking him for ignoring a silly, futile, and incorrect prayer. I thank him for the fact that I did not try follow through with the crazy thoughts I was having about ending it all. I thank him for the fact that I accepted myself for being perfect just the way I was. And I realise that God made me exactly the way he meant to.

Gay, special, and loved.

To anyone reading this, who may be praying the same futile prayer of God changing them from being gay - God will not answer that prayer, just as he did not answer my prayer. Because there is nothing to change and you are EXACTLY the way He meant you to be.

Life won't get easy immediately - and you will probably still have difficulty in your life. But I promise this. As soon as you learn to love the person you see in the mirror when you look at your reflection, that's when your prayers will change, and you will realise that God loves you exactly for who you are.

My prayer tonight is this - Live your life, find your happiness and may God bless you abundantly.



Homorazzi!

Hey Kids

So a total shameless plug of an article I had published this past weekend on a great Canadian gay news blog - homorazzi.

All about gay identity and our own self loathing. Are you a 'straight acting gay' or a 'femme fatal fag?'

Or like me, can you flip that switch on!

Have a read - I'd love your feedback/comments either here or on Homorazzi

http://www.homorazzi.com/article/gay-acting-straight-acting-too-flamboyant-gay-stereotypes-sexuality-judgement/

Remembering the Fallen

A beautiful and poignant video to remember the lives lost

Please share the message that life is worth living for LGBT youth.

Help save the unknown!

You are Titanium!

Titanium

Dear Young Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender person

I'm writing this letter to you, to let you know the most important thing in this whole world, right now the only thing that you need to know and understand. Regardless of anything negative, scary, or horrible that may be going on in your life right now, there is only one message I want you to know and accept, down to the deepest recesses of your soul:

Life is worth living and that you deserve to LIVE!

You may have some pretty horrible things going on right now in your life. You may be being bullied for who and what you are. People may be calling you names, threatening you, beating you up or worse. But listen to me now, and accept my one simple truth

You are perfect exactly as you are and do not have to change for anyone. 

Bullying and hatred go hand in hand, and unfortunately are all too common these days in our modern lives. People will not understand who you are, or why you are the way you are. But that's ok. They don't have to. The only person who matters is YOU.

You are the most important person in your life, and you deserve to love yourself for who you are implicitly.

I am a young, happy gay man who has been through what you are going through. I have been bullied, threatened, spat at, ridiculed and treated like a piece of dirt because of my sexuality. Despite this, I got through it and continue to get through it. I live on, because I love myself and know that deep down in my soul, I am perfect.

Life may be very hard right now. You may think you do not have any other options besides suicide. You may feel alone, ignored and misunderstood.
Know that you are NOT ALONE. Somewhere out there someone who has written this has gone through exactly what you are going through and has SURVIVED.

You CAN and WILL SURVIVE.

I have a song that I dedicate to you now - it has helped me through some very dark feelings. It inspires me, and makes me want to continue living and loving.

These are the lyrics:

"Titanium"(feat. Sia)

[Sia:]
You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Cut me down
But it's you who have further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard, those bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

YOU ARE TITANIUM AND WILL NOT FALL - DO NOT LET YOURSELF FALL!

Life is worth living.
Live your life!

Much Love

Craig

Bad News...

Bad News...

Well kids, the past few weeks have been pretty eventful, particularly with the effect of bad news being attracted to me like a whore to a £20 note. Its had its ups and downs, and hey I'm still here.


I've decided some pretty big things, and decided to make some changes to the 'comfortable' life I lead. How this pans out, is going to be one helluva interesting ride - watch this space.

But I can't help but feel that I have been plagued by bad news/luck of late, and keep asking myself 'its supposed to come in 3's right - then why the hell am I on number 5 already?'

Some of the bad news has been minor, some of it a little more serious, but I'm trying to stay positive here. From having my phone stolen this week, by a somewhat crack dealerish looking individual, to my mortgage being declined by banks that are trying to save their own arses, I've tried to look at all this with one attitude in mind...

Roll with the fucking punches!
Life may be throwing a few punches right now... but damn I'm a tough queen and I'll roll with the fucking punches

That said... any good luck charms, wishes, potions, etc wouldn't hurt...
Just saying!




Role Models

Role Models... Queer leaders!

Having a role model, or someone you can look up to is probably one of the most important aspects to growing up and understanding a bigger sense of this big ol world. It helps to give you a sense of knowing that you can become something, and that your life can truly be amazing.

Growing up as a queer, gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual kid is tough. Its tough to understand what the hell is going on in your own head, let alone in your own body, and its a whole lot tougher when you think you are the only one feeling the way you do. Feeling awkward, scared, like a disappointment, 'wrong' and praying to God every night and day to make you 'normal' makes it freaking tough people.

And having a role model(s) to look up to can so easily help ease that burden.

I grew up as a confused gay boy in a traditional South African family, where religion played a heavy formative role on my life and my parent's conservative attitudes shaped me into the person that I am today. I clearly remember growing up feeling 'different' and knowing that I was not how I was supposed to be, according to my society, in terms of what we considered 'normal'. I would of course come to realise later in life, that what was considered 'normal' was pretty much a very isolated and small world, and that I was indeed actually pretty fucking normal and that I was exactly who I was meant to be.

I did however, grow up without any real gay role models. I did not have anyone specific enough for me to look up to, and understand that it was ok to be a gay man, and that life went on, and it was fabulous. I did in some ways have a family member who was also gay and I would later on in my teens realise would play a role in being a role model, but that experience was also fraught with issues.

As I have grown into an adult gay man, who pretty much leads a pretty fabulous life, filled with much love, happiness, and laughter, I now realise that it is so fundamentally important that young LGBT youth get a message of hope and happiness! It is something that has been consuming my mind, heart and soul and my need to be a role model grows every day.

A while back in the US, a number of young gay teens killed themselves. Bullying, harassment, homophobia and hatred led them to taking their own lives. It was and is a sad indictment on modern society and culture to know that these beautiful young gay men thought it better to put a gun to their heads, a rope around their necks, or a mouthful of pills to end it all.

The It Gets Better campaign www.itgetsbetter.org was created by Dan Savage and Terry Miller following these sad events to help create role models and a message of hope to any confused, scared LGBT youth out there, to know that it would indeed get better. I am intensely passionate and proud of this campaign and will be blogging on it more in the weeks to come.

Other stories and messages out there also inspire me and there are some very special individuals out there whose messages and stories serve as inspiration for all, and who deserve to be called role models.

One such message and individual is from a US politician named Joel Burns.

Please watch the below video which explains his message and story.

I would like to be a voice like this.

I would like to be a role model.

I will save a life! Will you also make a difference?

I want the tragic loss of Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Justin Aaberg, Seth Walsh and so many others to never happen again. Life is beautiful and worth living. And we need to make that message LOUD and CLEAR.

Risky Uncertainty

Uncertainty...

So let's throw this out there, what's the relationship between uncertainty and risk kids?

Because right now, I am bloody uncertain about a certain part of my life, and really wonder if the risk is worth it? I know, that's so totally mysterious. That's the way I roll.

But on a serious note, there is opportunity for me to do something pretty 'risky' which means my immediate future would be pretty uncertain, but the rewards potentially outweigh all the negatives.

I am however stuck as to what I do next...

Unfortunately I cannot share anymore at the moment, but what are your thoughts on risk and uncertainty?

In other news, I've officially become a British citizen which is super awesome. A queen for a queen I say, and I must apologise for being rather slack with updating this blog. I've been keeping the words (and voices) in my head... overflow imminent!

Speaking about this blog - I am somewhat amazed at how few followers I have here. Clearly I am not as interesting as I thought - ha!

This is now where you click follow, send to friends to do the same, and thus validate my ego and make me feel even more fabulous.

Get clicking bitches!



Music moves the soul. This does mine.

Dance... like no one is watching and there is no tomorrow.

Gaydar

Gaydar... the 6th Sense.

So this kinda amazing thing happens on a pretty regular basis where by I will suddenly 'sense' another gay... and laugh or scoff (or both in equal measure) if you dare, but I dare say it happens all the time, and I am a firm believer in the power of gaydar!

'Gay dar' noun Informal .

a homosexual's purported intuitive or sensing ability to identify other homosexuals.

Now. this is a pretty big one to discuss, and ask different gays their opinions and you will get a multitude of answers. Does it exist? Does it work? Are there specific signs? Where can I buy it? All valid questions, some easier to answer than others, (unless Abercrombie and Fitch starts selling a fragrance called Gaydar - note to self, write to Marketing Dept for A&F)

My husband would argue that my gaydar is broken, and sure, some days I do get it wrong - damn you Metrosexual European men, dressing, walking, talking and looking like the gays. But, generally on the whole, I think I am pretty good and can 'sense another mo' walking down the street.
My best example and perhaps the most profound was a few years ago when I was at work (consider that my work environment is pretty heavy on the homosexual), I was 'head down' (in paperwork you pig), when my gaydar went 'bing bing bing' and I looked up to find a rather lovely homosexual man in front of me. Now, variable factors aside, I'd like to believe that I had, correctly sensed his approach and perhaps his mine, and that all gay gods were indeed sending their gay powers out there.

People often ask, 'how do you know if someone is gay?' - and granted it is getting alot more difficult these days to answer that question, with the advent of metrosexuality, fashion, grooming and the rise of the gym obsessed male. I personally find it alot easier to spot another 'mo' (that's my slang for homosexual) out of Europe - dunno, perhaps its an African thing. But aside from the blatantly obvious, whereby he may be engaging in some rather explicit sexual interaction with another member of the same sex (minds out of gutters boys............ and I'm back) I do think there is one very specific way to know if someone is gay.

Its all about the eyes...
Yes that's right, and no this is not a mascara placement ad (but it could be if you'd like to pay me)
Invariably, we look at things that attract us and that we want/need/desire  (I'm unsure where the distinctions start and end) and this is often the easiest way to know if someone is gay.
Look where and what he looks at. But its pretty fast and you have to be even faster to notice.

Consider this example - You're in a bar, admiring a rather handsome specimen, but you're unsure if he plays for your team or for the mo's... Watch his eyes. Is he looking at the beautiful blond waitress whose skirt is around her naval, or is he looking at the bartender's whose guns are on display (guns = term for muscley arms). And be quick, because the eye contact is gonna be super fast.

So ladies - my advice - keep looking at the eyes!

But yes, Gaydar does exist and yes, I can tell if the cute guy on the bus next to me is a mo or not.
Do I sometimes get it wrong... absobloodylutely - but to be fair, those gays deserve the confused status. LOL

My fellow gays - what are your thoughts?

Now, on to that new fragrance.........

All Change Please...

Change

So firstly I need to apologize for being completely non-existent and ignoring my blogging duties.
Unfortunately this rather crazy thing called life got in the way, and I was somewhat distracted by some rather large and important things, and also some crazy small irrelevant things... ah the joys of a short attention span.
So kids, like I'm totally sorry!

So on to the next random thought - Change... and no not the small silver coins in your pocket kind, but the big assed, you're actually going to be a little challenged or fucking scared kind...

There has been alot of this kind of change in my life of late. And as much fun as it is being a rather dramatic queen, it has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster ride. Yeeehawwww - shit in your pants.

I sense alot of change coming... some big change and some small change (I'll also take the silvery kind, thank you very much). It leaves me feeling... apprehensive, yet excited.

If I can make the big change happen, it will mean exciting, challenging, learn new things kinda change. Which I think is really important in any one's life. We need to be challenged, motivated and pushed to our boundaries.

Change however, can also be of a negative kind, and how we limit this change is sometimes rather self defeating, but we keep on trying don't we? The question is, is change inevitable as the cliche goes, and how should we embrace or fear this phenomenon?

I would like to embrace the change in the next few weeks. I challenge myself to all change please...

I'll keep you all updated and reveal more when I can. But for the time being... I'd like to challenge you to leave me a comment - how do you feel about change? What has been your biggest/scariest change?

P.S. I promise to be more regular... on this blog, and not necessarily in the toilet kind.

Stonewall

Stonewall - The leading Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual charity in the UK, fighting towards equality for LGB people in all aspects of life.

For more information please see:
http://www.stonewall.org.uk/


Please support this very worthy charity if you are able. Every cent/penny/dollar/pound makes a difference.

Thank you!
http://www.stonewall.org.uk/what_you_can_do/donate_to_stonewall/default.asp

Thankful...

Thankful - For what I have and what I am yet to learn

Hey kids, as you may or may not have noticed, I have not posted for a while. My apologies for this. I have been dealing with a very stressful family emergency in South Africa and have been away. Short story is that my mom had a brain tumor removed and she is now recovering well, which is a real blessing.

I have come to realise in the past week or so that my life holds much to be thankful for, regardless of how stressed and emotional I may have been feeling, and let me tell you, this week has been a pretty tough rollercoaster ride on that ride of emotional ups and downs. I have been super worried about my Mom's health and my Father's emotional well being, and being very far away from home ( I love in London, South Africa is home) has not been easy.

The distance has put alot of strain on me personally and I have felt pretty useless at times, knowing that a loved one is sick or in pain and suffering distress. As much as you can phone, Skype and text people, not being able to be there all the time in physical presence weighs heavily on the heart and mind. I have come back to SA and am glad I did to be with my family through this difficult time.

Bridging the gap between us physically has also bridged the gap emotionally and we have reconnected which is great. I've lived away from home for 7 years now and it has been tough, but also very rewarding.

I have however over the past couple of days realised I have much to be thankful for, and do try keep this in my mind at all times, so as to not be caught up in the craziness and chaos that is life, emotions and stress.

I am thankful for a loving family, who are all still together
I am thankful for an amazing supporting and loving husband who has been my emotional rock through all of this.
I am thankful for super supportive friends and colleagues, who have made me smile and warmed my heart when all I felt like doing was being weak.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive over the past few weeks.

More pretty damn fabulous soon to come :) For now, I shall enjoy the warm South African winter sun... mmmmmmh pass the SPF boys

Made me smile...

Made me smile this morning...

I know the feeling and it is beautiful

Congrats boys - and P.S. I hate you for being able to do it with Kylie!
:)

Performance Art?



Art, Performance or Erotica?

So what do we classify as art, performance and erotica?

Can they be the same thing, or are there black and white areas?

Being a rather avid fan of blogs and social media, I pick up on pretty much anything gay related, half naked (sometimes fully) men, fashion, music and dance. These are a few of my favorite things as some diva once sang...

So I discovered a Ukranian boy band called Kazaky a few months ago. The premise to their music (and or appeal) is simple:
4 cute, defined and muscular guys
Add Europop trash disco beats
Mix with healthy dose of sexuality
Throw in black leather high heels
You get one major dance and music camp fest - and yes, also a music video.

Please see and watch link attached.

So this appeals to me on many levels. Let's see...
Sexy half naked men - check
Euro pop dance music which I have a weakness for - check
High heels... - that's a whole different post - check
And yeah I then think its pretty damn fabulous

But perving aside, how do you view performances? Why does this appeal to so many gay men.
Is there a 'gay recipe' or have I already mentioned it...

Let me know - down below!
Now dance...

Fear

Fear is a nasty horrible emotion that can cripple you and make you feel worthless

I felt crippled, and worthless today. And I am now angry, and needing to get this off my chest.
I am angry that I felt fear, and that I allowed myself to be made to feel worthless. Let me explain

My husband, myself and a visiting friend were today walking back to our apartment from a bus stop, a very short 3 minute walk, at most, when upon turning a corner, we walked past a group of 3 male youths, who were walking along with much bravado, dressed as thugs and exuding an attitude of carefree youthful malice.

They noticed 3 adult men, dressed well, walking together in a group past them, and therefore in their minds they decided that it was appropriate to call us a group of 'gay boys', with the leader commenting 'gay gay gay boys' to which they all laughed. The walked past us laughing.

This was clearly a hate comment, said with malice, hatred and the intention to make us feel inferior.

We continued walking, in silence and when we were out of ear shot remarked what a bunch of idiots they were, and why they would have assumed we were gay, by the way we were dressed.

Now I am really angry about 2 things:
1. That they felt that it was ok to use derogatory tone and language towards us, and to laugh at our expense of indeed being 3 gay 'boys'. That in their minds filled with ignorance and hatred, they thought it was ok for them to speak to other human beings in that fashion.

2. That ultimately we did nothing, but walk on past them in silence. I am angry because I did not stand up for who and what I am, because a part of me clammed up with fear and I accepted that hateful comment. I am angry because I did not say or do anything to defend myself, to try change their viewpoints or to show them that I am not a victim and that it was not ok for them to speak to us in that way.

The situation could have turned out in many different ways. There could have been a fight, there could have been a knife, and there could have been police involvement. Could have, could have, could have...

In that moment, I allowed fear to govern my life. I will not let that happen again.

This I vow to myself, that I will not be quiet next time, I will not let myself feel fear, and I will not let them think it is ok.

What are your thoughts on this?

Homophobia is allowed to live in the hearts and minds if no one opposes it. Including gay men walking down the street.

I am angry. I will be angry for a while.
I will be 100% me in all things.
I have learnt something of value from this experience.

Acceptance...

Loving Myself - for being pretty damn fabulous

I've always known I was gay. From a very young age. It was something inexplicable, but always there. People ask me all the time, so 'when did you become gay? Errrr, when I popped out of my Momma is what I reply, because honey, I was born this way (gay).

Being gay is the easy bit. Accepting it and loving yourself is the harder bit.

I wrote the following many years ago, about feeling different, and coming out. Having rediscovered it, I wanted to share it with you. Its deeply personal, and only a very select few ever got to read the original at time of creation.

To anyone out there who reads this who may be a young question gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual person. I can say that it does Get Better, and that it go so so better for me :)

Being Different. - Written 2003...

They’re only three little words, what could be so hard about saying them. Why do they have so much power, the power of fear, anger, sadness, confusion…?

I find myself thinking I am a coward for not being able to say them, not being able to tell my loved ones the truth. The truth about who I am, about who they don’t really know. It can’t be this hard I think, once I say those words everything changes, nothing will ever be the same again. I need to find the courage and power to say those words I sometimes hide in the deepest recesses of my soul… I am gay.

I’ve recently told a family member and I find myself conflicted with thoughts of emotional angst. Have I done the right thing? Is it too much too soon? Will they understand? Can they accept me? Can they love me for being different?

Coming out is not an easy process and I defy anyone who thinks otherwise. Coming out is not merely about telling someone that you’re gay or about expressing your sexual orientation to someone. It’s so complex that sometimes I think I don’t even understand what it means. For me, coming out has been an emotional and psychological change, something which has affected me deeply as well as the people around me.

I’ve always known I was different. From a very early age I knew that I was not like the other boys. I didn’t play the same games, act the same way or even speak the way they did. I was always the odd one out, the one left out when all the other boys would go racing across the playground. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t like the other boys. I didn’t understand why I felt like I had a physical pain inside my heart that would never go away. I didn’t understand why I felt I had to hide it away, or risk getting into trouble for it.

In retrospect and with a lot of maturity I now know what that feeling of being different meant. It meant I was gay. I indeed was not like the other boys. I never had sexual feelings of attraction for girls, or the need to have a girlfriend. Instead I rather chose to have all the girls be my best friends, and secretly sit and stare at the boys from across the field. It was the naked figure of the boy in the change room next to me that made my body feel in explainable and wonderful things. It was the smile of the boy with the blond hair and the green eyes and the perfect bone structure that made me feel all giddy. It was the touch of my first boyfriend that made me feel… feel different. Different but completely natural. Completely normal, and completely right. Completely me…

Other people seemed to know it before I did, and the nicknames and hurtful words that stung me on a daily basis would be a constant reminder that the outside world was finally noticing that I was different. I could no longer hide my secret. It was as if it was leaking out of my pores, unable to contain it, it had to be known and would evade me, exposing me for what and who I am. ‘’Faggot, Queer, Moffie, Bumboy, Fruitcake, Homo’’ – I was all of those. The world had thrown its labels onto me. I didn’t understand. It hurt so much to not know why this was happening to me. Why God had made me different, why I had to pray every night that God would make me normal, and that I would find a girlfriend and be like everyone else. The pain of confusion would flood over me, overwhelming me until I lay in the darkness crying wishing it would go away and that I would wake up and be perfectly happy.

The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was exhausted from always trying to hide it, to deny it and to make it go away. The crying, the bullying, the anger and the hatred from others and self hatred finally became over powering and I found myself struggling under the pressure…contemplating suicide… needing to find a way to change it all…

And then one morning I woke up and something was different. I remember it clearly. I got up and went and stood in front of the mirror. Looking at myself, something had changed. I no longer hated what I saw in the reflection. Instead I felt a serene sense of peace and happiness. The image looking back at me was beautiful, it was right and it was perfect. The smiling figure looking back at me was a new person.

It was someone who had accepted who they were and finally made peace with the fact of their self-identity.

The relief I felt that morning is beyond description and I felt a radiating happiness coming out of my soul. I had accepted myself and I was happy to be me.

Yes, I was different. But I was perfect, in every aspect of who I am.

Sure, society may deem me to be different and not normal but it did not matter anymore. Those hurtful words and bullies could no longer hurt me. They had lost their power over me and I had claimed my freedom.

The greatest freedom of all – to love yourself entirely and to be happy to be alive.

Now telling the people in my life was the next step. The next challenge…

Coming out is no easy thing…

We all fall to the floor at some point,

It’s how you pick yourself up

That’s the real challenge

Isn’t it?

Grateful...

After leaving work after a long, but productive day, I was waiting for my bus home at my local bus stop, when the universe decided to teach me a lesson and remind me of something very important.

Usually, I'm pretty unobservant, except if there is a hot man nearby - and feeling tired and carrying loads of shopping bags, the thought of a comfy bus seat is usually the only thing on my mind at the time, but today I noticed something. A middle aged homeless man was standing a few metres away from me, next to a public refuse bin.

He began to dig through the bin, pulling out bags, food cartons and other goods, creating a small pile on the sidewalk next to him. He then proceeded to go through each item and examine it for any worth or use. It was fascinating to observe. He found some discarded food, which he bagged, and then a half full carton of Coca Cola from McDonald's, which someone had obviously not wanted to finish and thrown in the bin.

What he did next fascinated me. He reached into his bag and pulled out one empty plastic coke bottle and another that was half full. After carefully examining to see if the contents were safe, he proceeded to fill both bottles as much as possible and bagged them back up in his little bag, which probably contained all of his earthly possessions.

I was fascinated by this for a few reasons -
1. He had the foresight and ingenuity to carry around empty plastic bottles to ensure that he could make the most of any 'opportunity' he found.
2. He found something of value to him, in let's be honest is everyone elses crap. Something most of us wouldn't even look at twice.
3. After examining most of the bins contents, finding what he could eat/store or use - he cleaned it all up again and left the side walk looking meticulous. How many non homeless, wealthy, privileges people would have done the same? Littering seems to be pretty common these days.

Here was a man, who clearly had little to nothing, who was doing everything he could to make the most of his existence, at that very second, yet he had the decency to clean up his mess, so as to not leave an unsightly mess for the very people, who probably look down at him on a daily basis, thinking him to be nothing more than a dirty, homeless bum.

That little observation humbled me immensely and spoke to my heart to truly be grateful for everything I have in this life.

My life may be at times shitty, I may feel like the world is against me, or I may be having a 'bad day'.
But in that moment - I was reminded of how lucky, blessed and happy my life really is.

I challenge you to live your life being grateful and knowing what is important.

Life is too short to fuck it up and lose sight of what matters.
Simple.

Should I have done something for that man - probably. Do I feel guilty for not doing more - Yes.
Am I grateful for what I have
Abso-bloody-lutely!

Getting Better!

Have you heard of the It Gets Better project? Chances are that unless you're a very well informed gay male or a slightly militant gay activist type like myself, you haven't.

Let me introduce you to a social campaign which I think is just Pretty Damn Fabulous!

Last year within the space of 6 or so months, over 7 young gay teenagers in America committed suicide. Surprisingly for mainstream media, the suicides gathered headlines and made the International news. Now let's just cut right to the chase, this very instant. Right now there are many young gay teenagers trying to commit suicide as you read this very sentence. So why did the world suddenly start paying attention to these 7 individual cases?

It starting paying attention because these 7 young men felt that killing themselves was an easier solution than living in a world where they faced harassment, discrimination and bullying on a daily basis. Some left suicide notes, some didn't. But they all went home and in some way or another - killed themselves. Because this all happened within such a short time frame, people started sitting up and taking notice. At long last - considering that gay teenage suicide happens every single day in every single country all around the world.

Dan Savage - an American journalist, writer, and sex advice columnist was deeply moved and affected by these tragic events. He decided that there must be a way to reach young gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual kids and tell them that life would get better, and that it was not worth giving into the bullying, hate and evil that was pushing them to kill themselves.
Dan created a YouTube video with his partner Terry, and simply spoke from the heart. He and Terry told their stories, of growing up, being bullied, harassed and discriminated against because of their sexuality, and how it made them feel. They also spoke about how their lives changed when they left school and how so much better life got once they graduated and started their adult lives.

Their original YouTube video can be viewed here:
http://youtu.be/7IcVyvg2Qlo

Millions of people around the world saw this video and were moved by their honesty, and the truth behind their message. Gay and straight people who had overcome bullying and hatred went on to post videos of their own, and the It Gets Better YouTube channel and campaign was born.
Messages of hope, love and support started to reach troubled youngsters who needed it most.

I can describe this campaign in great detail, but I think its best if you visited the site yourself and had a look.

This story, and campaign really hit home for me. It moved me beyond words, and in many cases after watching countless videos, reduced me to tears. I cried because of various reasons. I was once a troubled gay teenager who was bullied, harassed and picked on because I was gay. High School was tough, and my final year of school was a nightmare. I was picked on daily, called a fag or 'moffie' - a South African derogatory term for gay on a daily, almost hourly basis.

I was still very unsure of who I was and confused how so many people knew I was gay even before I was 100% sure myself. The hatred they spewed at me left me in a very dark, and lonely place. And I began to contemplate suicide. It started to become a daily thought, and I thought about a variety of ways to do it. Sleeping pills, slitting my wrists, even going to far as to stab myself. All because of the hatred and ignorance of people around me, making me feel like I was worthless for being who I was.

Thankfully - I'm still here and my life changed pretty dramatically - which I will blog about more in depth at a later stage. That post deserves alot of time and effort.

This post however is about a campaign that motivates and inspires me greatly. So much so that I wanted to share some more information about it.
I'm very proud to be gay and if you know me, you'll hopefully agree that I'm pretty much in your face about it. So much so that its pretty much a fuck you kinda attitude. Of course I still have ways to go - life is never easy, especially with family etc. But I am proud of who I see in the mirror's reflection each day.

What inspires you? I think we need to focus more on inspiration in our daily lives. God knows its easier to moan and complain and be a victim. - and don't say you don't do it. Because I'll call you a god damn liar.

I struggle with my ambition to be positive and motivated at all times. But something as beautiful and simple as the It Gets Better campaign, and book, which I am now reading - loving it, can inspire me and make me feel so so happy.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and how you try make the world a better place.

To any young troubled teenagers who may stumble on this blog and may have read this post.
As a young, successful, happy and married gay man - I can promise you that it does Get Better! And that you can and will be Pretty Damn Fabulous!

For more information - go to http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

I'm gonna be an adventurer!

Today I begin my new adventure - namely the exciting task of creating this blog to try and express what goes on in this brain of mine, and hopefully entertaining all you lovely people along the way.

I've been meaning to create this blog and start this adventure for a very long time. I somehow managed to repress the little voice inside of me telling me to begin writing again, and ultimately sharing my passion for the written word with whoever the hell would read it. For those of you who may know me, and for those of you who don't I kinda have a thing for writing. But I will confess that it has been stifled for too long, until now.

That little voice has become somewhat persistant, and its either that or I may be losing the last vestiges of sanity, which in its own right may prove to be pretty entertaining. So here we are, tentatively having opened the 'flood gates' in my brain and starting the creative process. I warn you it may be a bumpy ride...

'Ad-ven-ture:

Noun: An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.

Verb: Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp. the exploration of unknown territory.'

 

That being said - I'm going to be using both the noun and verb tense of the word. And god damn, I'm taking you along for the ride. We're going to be engaging in some typically hazardous and exciting activity, namely the exploration and discussion of my every day life and thoughts. I can't promise that it will always make sense, but I do promise that I'll be truthful to myself, and to you, by happily exposing my emotions and thoughts on pretty much everything.

 

I believe we all have a passion - something that we enjoy doing that fulfills us, challenges us and makes us happy. Mine happens to be writing, sharing the written word and conveying thoughts and opinions on pretty much whatever pops into my head. This has proven to be very dangerous in the past, but very fulfulling. But then I got disctracted - by my job, or my so called decision of career choice. I spent 7 years doing something else, which I thought I was passionate about. I wasnt wrong, but I was misguided. And its taken a while for me to accept that to trully be happy again, I have to use my talent and express my passion.

 

This blog will be the manifestation of this journey. I hope you'll come along!

 

I try lead my life with a few simple truths, mantras and values. One of which is to always try to be happy. God knows its easier to be sad, and to focus on the negative. I have been doing this for too long now, and I'm bitch slaping myself back onto the 'straight' and narrow.

Another is to always be true to myself - and I've been succesful in this regard to a certain extent. Friends may label me as 'militant' and 'real' - I don't hide who I am... most of the time. But again, I've been holding back on this. No longer!

 

I always like when people ask me 'how I am' because most of the time, the word fabulous will be in my response. And I do believe it and most of the time, I am just that. fabulous. But like most people, I have my ups and downs and my good and bay days. But I always try to come back to being fabulous.

 

Because, being fabulous is being extraordinary. And let's be really honest here. There's a whole lotta 'ordinary' out there, but who the hell wants to be ordinary? I think not.

 

So that said - reader and friend. I aim on going on this adventure, and being pretty damn fabulous. period.

 

P.S. The goal is to upload weekly - in return I expect feedback, comments, thoughts, suggestions and adoration. Pretty simple huh!