Made me smile...

Made me smile this morning...

I know the feeling and it is beautiful

Congrats boys - and P.S. I hate you for being able to do it with Kylie!
:)

Performance Art?



Art, Performance or Erotica?

So what do we classify as art, performance and erotica?

Can they be the same thing, or are there black and white areas?

Being a rather avid fan of blogs and social media, I pick up on pretty much anything gay related, half naked (sometimes fully) men, fashion, music and dance. These are a few of my favorite things as some diva once sang...

So I discovered a Ukranian boy band called Kazaky a few months ago. The premise to their music (and or appeal) is simple:
4 cute, defined and muscular guys
Add Europop trash disco beats
Mix with healthy dose of sexuality
Throw in black leather high heels
You get one major dance and music camp fest - and yes, also a music video.

Please see and watch link attached.

So this appeals to me on many levels. Let's see...
Sexy half naked men - check
Euro pop dance music which I have a weakness for - check
High heels... - that's a whole different post - check
And yeah I then think its pretty damn fabulous

But perving aside, how do you view performances? Why does this appeal to so many gay men.
Is there a 'gay recipe' or have I already mentioned it...

Let me know - down below!
Now dance...

Fear

Fear is a nasty horrible emotion that can cripple you and make you feel worthless

I felt crippled, and worthless today. And I am now angry, and needing to get this off my chest.
I am angry that I felt fear, and that I allowed myself to be made to feel worthless. Let me explain

My husband, myself and a visiting friend were today walking back to our apartment from a bus stop, a very short 3 minute walk, at most, when upon turning a corner, we walked past a group of 3 male youths, who were walking along with much bravado, dressed as thugs and exuding an attitude of carefree youthful malice.

They noticed 3 adult men, dressed well, walking together in a group past them, and therefore in their minds they decided that it was appropriate to call us a group of 'gay boys', with the leader commenting 'gay gay gay boys' to which they all laughed. The walked past us laughing.

This was clearly a hate comment, said with malice, hatred and the intention to make us feel inferior.

We continued walking, in silence and when we were out of ear shot remarked what a bunch of idiots they were, and why they would have assumed we were gay, by the way we were dressed.

Now I am really angry about 2 things:
1. That they felt that it was ok to use derogatory tone and language towards us, and to laugh at our expense of indeed being 3 gay 'boys'. That in their minds filled with ignorance and hatred, they thought it was ok for them to speak to other human beings in that fashion.

2. That ultimately we did nothing, but walk on past them in silence. I am angry because I did not stand up for who and what I am, because a part of me clammed up with fear and I accepted that hateful comment. I am angry because I did not say or do anything to defend myself, to try change their viewpoints or to show them that I am not a victim and that it was not ok for them to speak to us in that way.

The situation could have turned out in many different ways. There could have been a fight, there could have been a knife, and there could have been police involvement. Could have, could have, could have...

In that moment, I allowed fear to govern my life. I will not let that happen again.

This I vow to myself, that I will not be quiet next time, I will not let myself feel fear, and I will not let them think it is ok.

What are your thoughts on this?

Homophobia is allowed to live in the hearts and minds if no one opposes it. Including gay men walking down the street.

I am angry. I will be angry for a while.
I will be 100% me in all things.
I have learnt something of value from this experience.

Acceptance...

Loving Myself - for being pretty damn fabulous

I've always known I was gay. From a very young age. It was something inexplicable, but always there. People ask me all the time, so 'when did you become gay? Errrr, when I popped out of my Momma is what I reply, because honey, I was born this way (gay).

Being gay is the easy bit. Accepting it and loving yourself is the harder bit.

I wrote the following many years ago, about feeling different, and coming out. Having rediscovered it, I wanted to share it with you. Its deeply personal, and only a very select few ever got to read the original at time of creation.

To anyone out there who reads this who may be a young question gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual person. I can say that it does Get Better, and that it go so so better for me :)

Being Different. - Written 2003...

They’re only three little words, what could be so hard about saying them. Why do they have so much power, the power of fear, anger, sadness, confusion…?

I find myself thinking I am a coward for not being able to say them, not being able to tell my loved ones the truth. The truth about who I am, about who they don’t really know. It can’t be this hard I think, once I say those words everything changes, nothing will ever be the same again. I need to find the courage and power to say those words I sometimes hide in the deepest recesses of my soul… I am gay.

I’ve recently told a family member and I find myself conflicted with thoughts of emotional angst. Have I done the right thing? Is it too much too soon? Will they understand? Can they accept me? Can they love me for being different?

Coming out is not an easy process and I defy anyone who thinks otherwise. Coming out is not merely about telling someone that you’re gay or about expressing your sexual orientation to someone. It’s so complex that sometimes I think I don’t even understand what it means. For me, coming out has been an emotional and psychological change, something which has affected me deeply as well as the people around me.

I’ve always known I was different. From a very early age I knew that I was not like the other boys. I didn’t play the same games, act the same way or even speak the way they did. I was always the odd one out, the one left out when all the other boys would go racing across the playground. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t like the other boys. I didn’t understand why I felt like I had a physical pain inside my heart that would never go away. I didn’t understand why I felt I had to hide it away, or risk getting into trouble for it.

In retrospect and with a lot of maturity I now know what that feeling of being different meant. It meant I was gay. I indeed was not like the other boys. I never had sexual feelings of attraction for girls, or the need to have a girlfriend. Instead I rather chose to have all the girls be my best friends, and secretly sit and stare at the boys from across the field. It was the naked figure of the boy in the change room next to me that made my body feel in explainable and wonderful things. It was the smile of the boy with the blond hair and the green eyes and the perfect bone structure that made me feel all giddy. It was the touch of my first boyfriend that made me feel… feel different. Different but completely natural. Completely normal, and completely right. Completely me…

Other people seemed to know it before I did, and the nicknames and hurtful words that stung me on a daily basis would be a constant reminder that the outside world was finally noticing that I was different. I could no longer hide my secret. It was as if it was leaking out of my pores, unable to contain it, it had to be known and would evade me, exposing me for what and who I am. ‘’Faggot, Queer, Moffie, Bumboy, Fruitcake, Homo’’ – I was all of those. The world had thrown its labels onto me. I didn’t understand. It hurt so much to not know why this was happening to me. Why God had made me different, why I had to pray every night that God would make me normal, and that I would find a girlfriend and be like everyone else. The pain of confusion would flood over me, overwhelming me until I lay in the darkness crying wishing it would go away and that I would wake up and be perfectly happy.

The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was exhausted from always trying to hide it, to deny it and to make it go away. The crying, the bullying, the anger and the hatred from others and self hatred finally became over powering and I found myself struggling under the pressure…contemplating suicide… needing to find a way to change it all…

And then one morning I woke up and something was different. I remember it clearly. I got up and went and stood in front of the mirror. Looking at myself, something had changed. I no longer hated what I saw in the reflection. Instead I felt a serene sense of peace and happiness. The image looking back at me was beautiful, it was right and it was perfect. The smiling figure looking back at me was a new person.

It was someone who had accepted who they were and finally made peace with the fact of their self-identity.

The relief I felt that morning is beyond description and I felt a radiating happiness coming out of my soul. I had accepted myself and I was happy to be me.

Yes, I was different. But I was perfect, in every aspect of who I am.

Sure, society may deem me to be different and not normal but it did not matter anymore. Those hurtful words and bullies could no longer hurt me. They had lost their power over me and I had claimed my freedom.

The greatest freedom of all – to love yourself entirely and to be happy to be alive.

Now telling the people in my life was the next step. The next challenge…

Coming out is no easy thing…

We all fall to the floor at some point,

It’s how you pick yourself up

That’s the real challenge

Isn’t it?

Grateful...

After leaving work after a long, but productive day, I was waiting for my bus home at my local bus stop, when the universe decided to teach me a lesson and remind me of something very important.

Usually, I'm pretty unobservant, except if there is a hot man nearby - and feeling tired and carrying loads of shopping bags, the thought of a comfy bus seat is usually the only thing on my mind at the time, but today I noticed something. A middle aged homeless man was standing a few metres away from me, next to a public refuse bin.

He began to dig through the bin, pulling out bags, food cartons and other goods, creating a small pile on the sidewalk next to him. He then proceeded to go through each item and examine it for any worth or use. It was fascinating to observe. He found some discarded food, which he bagged, and then a half full carton of Coca Cola from McDonald's, which someone had obviously not wanted to finish and thrown in the bin.

What he did next fascinated me. He reached into his bag and pulled out one empty plastic coke bottle and another that was half full. After carefully examining to see if the contents were safe, he proceeded to fill both bottles as much as possible and bagged them back up in his little bag, which probably contained all of his earthly possessions.

I was fascinated by this for a few reasons -
1. He had the foresight and ingenuity to carry around empty plastic bottles to ensure that he could make the most of any 'opportunity' he found.
2. He found something of value to him, in let's be honest is everyone elses crap. Something most of us wouldn't even look at twice.
3. After examining most of the bins contents, finding what he could eat/store or use - he cleaned it all up again and left the side walk looking meticulous. How many non homeless, wealthy, privileges people would have done the same? Littering seems to be pretty common these days.

Here was a man, who clearly had little to nothing, who was doing everything he could to make the most of his existence, at that very second, yet he had the decency to clean up his mess, so as to not leave an unsightly mess for the very people, who probably look down at him on a daily basis, thinking him to be nothing more than a dirty, homeless bum.

That little observation humbled me immensely and spoke to my heart to truly be grateful for everything I have in this life.

My life may be at times shitty, I may feel like the world is against me, or I may be having a 'bad day'.
But in that moment - I was reminded of how lucky, blessed and happy my life really is.

I challenge you to live your life being grateful and knowing what is important.

Life is too short to fuck it up and lose sight of what matters.
Simple.

Should I have done something for that man - probably. Do I feel guilty for not doing more - Yes.
Am I grateful for what I have
Abso-bloody-lutely!

Getting Better!

Have you heard of the It Gets Better project? Chances are that unless you're a very well informed gay male or a slightly militant gay activist type like myself, you haven't.

Let me introduce you to a social campaign which I think is just Pretty Damn Fabulous!

Last year within the space of 6 or so months, over 7 young gay teenagers in America committed suicide. Surprisingly for mainstream media, the suicides gathered headlines and made the International news. Now let's just cut right to the chase, this very instant. Right now there are many young gay teenagers trying to commit suicide as you read this very sentence. So why did the world suddenly start paying attention to these 7 individual cases?

It starting paying attention because these 7 young men felt that killing themselves was an easier solution than living in a world where they faced harassment, discrimination and bullying on a daily basis. Some left suicide notes, some didn't. But they all went home and in some way or another - killed themselves. Because this all happened within such a short time frame, people started sitting up and taking notice. At long last - considering that gay teenage suicide happens every single day in every single country all around the world.

Dan Savage - an American journalist, writer, and sex advice columnist was deeply moved and affected by these tragic events. He decided that there must be a way to reach young gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual kids and tell them that life would get better, and that it was not worth giving into the bullying, hate and evil that was pushing them to kill themselves.
Dan created a YouTube video with his partner Terry, and simply spoke from the heart. He and Terry told their stories, of growing up, being bullied, harassed and discriminated against because of their sexuality, and how it made them feel. They also spoke about how their lives changed when they left school and how so much better life got once they graduated and started their adult lives.

Their original YouTube video can be viewed here:
http://youtu.be/7IcVyvg2Qlo

Millions of people around the world saw this video and were moved by their honesty, and the truth behind their message. Gay and straight people who had overcome bullying and hatred went on to post videos of their own, and the It Gets Better YouTube channel and campaign was born.
Messages of hope, love and support started to reach troubled youngsters who needed it most.

I can describe this campaign in great detail, but I think its best if you visited the site yourself and had a look.

This story, and campaign really hit home for me. It moved me beyond words, and in many cases after watching countless videos, reduced me to tears. I cried because of various reasons. I was once a troubled gay teenager who was bullied, harassed and picked on because I was gay. High School was tough, and my final year of school was a nightmare. I was picked on daily, called a fag or 'moffie' - a South African derogatory term for gay on a daily, almost hourly basis.

I was still very unsure of who I was and confused how so many people knew I was gay even before I was 100% sure myself. The hatred they spewed at me left me in a very dark, and lonely place. And I began to contemplate suicide. It started to become a daily thought, and I thought about a variety of ways to do it. Sleeping pills, slitting my wrists, even going to far as to stab myself. All because of the hatred and ignorance of people around me, making me feel like I was worthless for being who I was.

Thankfully - I'm still here and my life changed pretty dramatically - which I will blog about more in depth at a later stage. That post deserves alot of time and effort.

This post however is about a campaign that motivates and inspires me greatly. So much so that I wanted to share some more information about it.
I'm very proud to be gay and if you know me, you'll hopefully agree that I'm pretty much in your face about it. So much so that its pretty much a fuck you kinda attitude. Of course I still have ways to go - life is never easy, especially with family etc. But I am proud of who I see in the mirror's reflection each day.

What inspires you? I think we need to focus more on inspiration in our daily lives. God knows its easier to moan and complain and be a victim. - and don't say you don't do it. Because I'll call you a god damn liar.

I struggle with my ambition to be positive and motivated at all times. But something as beautiful and simple as the It Gets Better campaign, and book, which I am now reading - loving it, can inspire me and make me feel so so happy.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and how you try make the world a better place.

To any young troubled teenagers who may stumble on this blog and may have read this post.
As a young, successful, happy and married gay man - I can promise you that it does Get Better! And that you can and will be Pretty Damn Fabulous!

For more information - go to http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

I'm gonna be an adventurer!

Today I begin my new adventure - namely the exciting task of creating this blog to try and express what goes on in this brain of mine, and hopefully entertaining all you lovely people along the way.

I've been meaning to create this blog and start this adventure for a very long time. I somehow managed to repress the little voice inside of me telling me to begin writing again, and ultimately sharing my passion for the written word with whoever the hell would read it. For those of you who may know me, and for those of you who don't I kinda have a thing for writing. But I will confess that it has been stifled for too long, until now.

That little voice has become somewhat persistant, and its either that or I may be losing the last vestiges of sanity, which in its own right may prove to be pretty entertaining. So here we are, tentatively having opened the 'flood gates' in my brain and starting the creative process. I warn you it may be a bumpy ride...

'Ad-ven-ture:

Noun: An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.

Verb: Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp. the exploration of unknown territory.'

 

That being said - I'm going to be using both the noun and verb tense of the word. And god damn, I'm taking you along for the ride. We're going to be engaging in some typically hazardous and exciting activity, namely the exploration and discussion of my every day life and thoughts. I can't promise that it will always make sense, but I do promise that I'll be truthful to myself, and to you, by happily exposing my emotions and thoughts on pretty much everything.

 

I believe we all have a passion - something that we enjoy doing that fulfills us, challenges us and makes us happy. Mine happens to be writing, sharing the written word and conveying thoughts and opinions on pretty much whatever pops into my head. This has proven to be very dangerous in the past, but very fulfulling. But then I got disctracted - by my job, or my so called decision of career choice. I spent 7 years doing something else, which I thought I was passionate about. I wasnt wrong, but I was misguided. And its taken a while for me to accept that to trully be happy again, I have to use my talent and express my passion.

 

This blog will be the manifestation of this journey. I hope you'll come along!

 

I try lead my life with a few simple truths, mantras and values. One of which is to always try to be happy. God knows its easier to be sad, and to focus on the negative. I have been doing this for too long now, and I'm bitch slaping myself back onto the 'straight' and narrow.

Another is to always be true to myself - and I've been succesful in this regard to a certain extent. Friends may label me as 'militant' and 'real' - I don't hide who I am... most of the time. But again, I've been holding back on this. No longer!

 

I always like when people ask me 'how I am' because most of the time, the word fabulous will be in my response. And I do believe it and most of the time, I am just that. fabulous. But like most people, I have my ups and downs and my good and bay days. But I always try to come back to being fabulous.

 

Because, being fabulous is being extraordinary. And let's be really honest here. There's a whole lotta 'ordinary' out there, but who the hell wants to be ordinary? I think not.

 

So that said - reader and friend. I aim on going on this adventure, and being pretty damn fabulous. period.

 

P.S. The goal is to upload weekly - in return I expect feedback, comments, thoughts, suggestions and adoration. Pretty simple huh!